Posted on by tacslife

Letting Go of an Unhealthy Relationship

I gave myself to someone fully – giving up my dreams, wants, life – to be there for their every whim. Whatever they wanted, whenever they needed it – no matter how big or small the request – I was there. I wasted years of my life to cater to someone that never truly loved me. I gave all of me, my time, my tears, and would’ve likely given my life had they needed it to continue moving forward with their own. They broke my heart time and time again, with break ups, betrayal, and bullshit and I was always right there – ready to forgive and love them. What the fuck was wrong with me?

Love is not one-sided. Real love takes two and if only one person is doing all the giving while the other is doing all the taking they are not your true love and are likely just using you. Let that shit go and move on with your life. Not that easy you say? I’m in love and can’t just leave it behind, you say? Then don’t. It’s your life, waste it how you want too; but if you want to live your life again, happily, then its time to break those fucking chains! Listen, I get it and know how hard it is. You’d rather stick a hot fork in your fucking eye than live without this person, but please don’t fork your eye because they aren’t worth it and you have such pretty eyes.

I tried multiple things in my process of leaving a broken relationship behind and have listed some of the steps for letting go and moving on in hopes of helping you get through it too. Pick and choose what works best for you, but pick something and start the process of letting go. They don’t deserve you and you deserve so much more.

  1. Get out more with your friends. Friends have a way of making you feel better and helping pull you forward. They’ll remind you of how awesome you are and tell you that they always knew you deserved better. They’ll talk you up, make you laugh, and bring you the courage and strength you need to let go and move on.
  1. Perhaps you’re lacking in the friend department either because you’re a serious introvert or because you let them all go since you’ve been so focused and devoted spending all your time on your ungrateful partner. Find something that interests you and start focusing on that. Me, for instance, am indeed an introvert but loved the idea of yoga. I never went to classes even though I wanted to try it because my partner never wanted to go. Finally, I said fuck that and went. I loved it. I sweated my ass off and felt great because I did something for myself that I’ve wanted to do for a long time – and not only did it feel great but it was an awesome confidence booster! I could do things on my own and doing it felt awesome as well as freeing! Plus, you might come across an opportunity to make a new friend with common interests. 
  1. Stop responding to their calls and text messages. Whenever you call or text them, they’re never in a hurry to answer your call or respond to your text – but you are always eager and quick to answer and respond to theirs. Stop that! No more. Just let that shit go, and if you aren’t quite ready to embrace the complete drop and silence, at least wait a significant amount of time before giving them an acknowledgment. No, that doesn’t mean two minutes. Try hours or even a day if you can hold out that long. If you want to go for the gold, hold out for days or even better, forever. 
  1. Be adventurous, find a job in another state or even another country and focus on you and your career. Life is supposed to be fun. You sitting there, kissing their ass and waiting for them to love you the way you are meant to be loved isn’t fun and it’s certainly not living. Send your resume out and see what happens. You may be living in France this time next year with your dream job and someone that believes you hung the moon and the stars. That’s the kind of love, after all, that you deserve.
  1. See a therapist. Talking through the pain and difficulty with someone on the outside can be insightful. A licensed professional will walk with you through the messiness of your relationship and your life all while the two of you work together to come up with some ideas and a plan that will help move you onward with your life. This was a huge one for me. It gave me a sense of self-care and self-love as well as someone that would listen to everything I had to say without interrupting or making me feel like I was being absurd for feeling what I was feeling. Being vulnerable and speaking out gave me a feeling of empowerment and I walked out feeling a little stronger after every session.
  1. My relationship was never an abusive one. I never encountered verbal or physical abuse with my partner, but not being naive, I know not all relationships are created equal. If you feel stuck in a relationship due to fear, and not just because you love them so, please seek help. Talk to someone you trust and if you don’t have someone available that you trust you can always call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). There is someone available 24/7 to help you and all calls are kept confidential as stated on their website https://www.thehotline.org/help/. I’m not an advocate for this organization nor a paid employee, but I wanted to throw this into the mix because as I stated before you deserve so much more.
  1. Prayer and meditation. This was the all-time most important thing I could have done to help with the pain of what I was going through. This is also what ultimately helped push me forward to end an unhealthy relationship with the person that I loved more than anyone else I had ever loved before. Every single morning I would get up, start a cup of coffee, let the dog out, grab my coffee, climb back into bed with my bible and read daily scripture. I would read, highlight, and listen to what God wanted me to see and understand in the daily lesson. Once I completed my bible study and cup of coffee, I’d head to the living room to get situated with my legs crossed on my cushion and meditate for about 20 minutes. Simply breathing, focusing on my breath, and allowing my thoughts to go wherever I felt God was leading them. After meditating, I would pray my daily prayers. Then I’d get up, shower, and start my day feeling like God had me. This is still my morning routine and it still gives me the strength I need to face whatever the day sends my way. 

These are only a few ideas to get you started. The main idea is to do what you have to do to move your focus off of them and back on to you. Real love shouldn’t break you or make you feel worthless and undeserving. Real love will lift you, water and nurture you so you can grow, shine bright and beam. Real love should bring you peace and happiness more often than not. Most importantly, in real love, you will both give and take, it will not be just you giving. Let go of what’s not meant to be and see what adventure awaits you. It may not lead to love, but it should lead you to a much happier destination, a place where you matter as much as you’ve made them matter. Focus on you and love yourself first and foremost. 

Posted on by tacslife

The Easiest Way to Open a Jar

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Have you ever had trouble opening a jar of sauce or pickles?  It can be really frustrating in addition to making your hand really sore.  When I was younger my parents had a solution.  It was a rubber grip jar opener that was much like a whoopee cushion in texture.  You would place it on the lid as extra support to grip the lid and work until you were finally able to make the lid spin.  Sometimes it worked and other times I simply did not have the strength.

Then in my early 20’s a friend showed me the spoon trick.  Taking a spoon you pry between the lid and the jar to release the suction holding the lid down allowing it to easily spin off.  While a great trick, this also has not always worked for me and has left me frustrated at times.

Recently, in a fit of rage, I fought with a jar of sauce that I couldn’t open.   Not with my hands, not with a spoon and no one else was around to lend a stronger hand.  Frustrated, I grabbed a steak knife and poked a tiny hole in the center of the lid.  It spun off easily.  Ever since, this has been the only technique I use if the lid won’t spin off somewhat easily by the strength of my hand. It works every single time. So the next time you’re in a pickle and want a pickle from an unopened jar.  Try it.  You’ll be pleasantly surprised.  Please note:  This technique is intended for adult use only.

So the next time you’re in a pickle and want a pickle from an unopened jar.  Try it.  You’ll be pleasantly surprised. 

Posted on by tacslife

The Decision to have an ASD Device Installed into my Child’s Heart

My Daughter was born with a hole in her hole in her heart, the medical term being atrial septal defect (ASD), only we didn’t find out until she was ten years old. When she was three we were told that she had an extra chamber in her heart, but that it was of no concern. Seven years later, there we were hearing that she had been wrongly diagnosed by the previous doctor all those years ago and something we thought was of no concern was now something she would have to have repaired, and I was terrified by all the what-ifs of surgery.

Three years would go by before I would come to terms that this surgery was something that we would have to do. Three years of research, three years of denial, three years of praying, three years of expecting a miracle, three years of believing I could “think” the hole shut in her heart, three years of sleepless nights, three years of crying when I was alone and pondering why this had happening to my baby. Three years of my life consumed by fear and what if’s.

In the meantime, my seemingly healthy daughter’s health began to become noticeably weakened to the point that I could no longer pretend she didn’t have ASD. I called and scheduled an appointment with her doctor to discuss the procedure again. The last time we met with him he was telling us that she had ASD and would eventually have to have surgery. All I remember about that day was him telling us that, then the room began to spin, and everything else he said became muffled. I needed a refresher with him now that I had time to process the idea that she had this hole in her heart.

At this time I allowed my now thirteen year old daughter’s input and asked what she wanted. She wanted to have the surgery. She wasn’t scared like I had been. She just wanted to fix the problem and move on with her life. In learning this about her, I began to release some of my fear, give it to God, and trust in the experience and knowledge of her doctor. I knew I had to let her do it so the surgery was scheduled.

We showed up to the hospital early in the morning. Not long after arriving, they had her sedated and were wheeling her into surgery. My legs went weak as I watched her fade from my view and disappear behind a set of double doors. I waited, cried, and prayed.

Two hours went by before the surgeon came out and reassured me that everything went well and that my daughter was okay. I hugged him and cried some more. It wasn’t until they allowed me to see her though that I could really begin to breathe. There she was, groggy, but okay.

The nurse had me wait for her in the room she would recover in, the room where we would sleep, and she would be monitored in for the next 24 hours. The first hour of her coming out of anesthesia was the worse part of it in her opinion because she had to pee so bad that it hurt but couldn’t because the anesthesia had not yet wore off. She tried and cried and was completely miserable, but once the flow began and she could let it go her entire mood changed. She was at peace and overall pretty happy. Her recovery consisted of nurses coming in to check on her about once every hour, eating all the strawberry jello she wanted, and watching movie after movie on the hospital TV.

It took a lot to get to the point of accepting that repairing the hole in her heart was the best thing for her, but looking back I couldn’t be more proud of my daughter’s courage. As parent’s we want to protect our children, but when we allow fear to consume our decisions and paralyze us we aren’t showing up for our children the way they need us to. Its important to be honest them, listen to them, learn from them, and allow their choices to be heard and to validate them. Many times, not all, but many, they know better than the parent if we’ll just listen.

Posted on by tacslife

Peace, Dignity and Grace

I live a life of fear and worry. What-ifs consume every passing thought that makes its way through my mind. Thus, making my life static – noise – a violent, thrusting, convulsive mind controls my being. In its warped attempt to better and purify myself and those I love – it torments me from every angle imaginable. A delusional freak inhabits my thoughts and actively steals my peace, my joy, my calm.

This noise inherits my brain taking up residency and staking a claim to the pictures that it flashes uncontrollably across my mind like the freak inside has yelled out, “52 card pick up!” and thoughts randomly and chaotically fly into the air, mixed up, only to fall into an unorganized, agonizing and brutal mess. I am left tormented by the images, by the reckless thoughts, the freak inside has unleashed.

A once pristine beautifully blank canvas awaiting an artists’ hand to paint an exquisite masterpiece of everything good and wholesome; now, covered in splattered paint with no sense or reason. Too messy to even consider it a beautiful abstract. No edge left visible of its once youthful nude appearance; but now blanketed and splattered – layer after layer after layer – of raw unsolicited meaningless emotion.

There is no escaping the scene, no driving by without having to stop and stare at the havoc that is the wreck of my mind. A puzzle with pieces cut to never fit, a misfit, a chaotic material that forces itself to consume precious empty space with its presence.

I’m a continuous copy and paste moving through the motions. Where did it all begin? Where does it all end? I can no longer live this way. I fear my health will rot away by the stress I’ve caused myself – and my relationships, that I have worried so deeply to keep safe and intact, will be forced to wilt away.

This blog is my journal and vow to kill the internal stain that has worked against me for far to long, threatening my very life, so I can begin living a life of peace, dignity and grace.