Letting Go of an Unhealthy Relationship

I gave myself to someone fully – giving up my dreams, wants, life – to be there for their every whim. Whatever they wanted, whenever they needed it – no matter how big or small the request – I was there. I wasted years of my life to cater to someone that never truly loved me. I gave all of me, my time, my tears, and would’ve likely given my life had they needed it to continue moving forward with their own. They broke my heart time and time again, with break ups, betrayal, and bullshit and I was always right there – ready to forgive and love them. What the fuck was wrong with me?

Love is not one-sided. Real love takes two and if only one person is doing all the giving while the other is doing all the taking they are not your true love and are likely just using you. Let that shit go and move on with your life. Not that easy you say? I’m in love and can’t just leave it behind, you say? Then don’t. It’s your life, waste it how you want too; but if you want to live your life again, happily, then its time to break those fucking chains! Listen, I get it and know how hard it is. You’d rather stick a hot fork in your fucking eye than live without this person, but please don’t fork your eye because they aren’t worth it and you have such pretty eyes.

I tried multiple things in my process of leaving a broken relationship behind and have listed some of the steps for letting go and moving on in hopes of helping you get through it too. Pick and choose what works best for you, but pick something and start the process of letting go. They don’t deserve you and you deserve so much more.

  1. Get out more with your friends. Friends have a way of making you feel better and helping pull you forward. They’ll remind you of how awesome you are and tell you that they always knew you deserved better. They’ll talk you up, make you laugh, and bring you the courage and strength you need to let go and move on.
  1. Perhaps you’re lacking in the friend department either because you’re a serious introvert or because you let them all go since you’ve been so focused and devoted spending all your time on your ungrateful partner. Find something that interests you and start focusing on that. Me, for instance, am indeed an introvert but loved the idea of yoga. I never went to classes even though I wanted to try it because my partner never wanted to go. Finally, I said fuck that and went. I loved it. I sweated my ass off and felt great because I did something for myself that I’ve wanted to do for a long time – and not only did it feel great but it was an awesome confidence booster! I could do things on my own and doing it felt awesome as well as freeing! Plus, you might come across an opportunity to make a new friend with common interests. 
  1. Stop responding to their calls and text messages. Whenever you call or text them, they’re never in a hurry to answer your call or respond to your text – but you are always eager and quick to answer and respond to theirs. Stop that! No more. Just let that shit go, and if you aren’t quite ready to embrace the complete drop and silence, at least wait a significant amount of time before giving them an acknowledgment. No, that doesn’t mean two minutes. Try hours or even a day if you can hold out that long. If you want to go for the gold, hold out for days or even better, forever. 
  1. Be adventurous, find a job in another state or even another country and focus on you and your career. Life is supposed to be fun. You sitting there, kissing their ass and waiting for them to love you the way you are meant to be loved isn’t fun and it’s certainly not living. Send your resume out and see what happens. You may be living in France this time next year with your dream job and someone that believes you hung the moon and the stars. That’s the kind of love, after all, that you deserve.
  1. See a therapist. Talking through the pain and difficulty with someone on the outside can be insightful. A licensed professional will walk with you through the messiness of your relationship and your life all while the two of you work together to come up with some ideas and a plan that will help move you onward with your life. This was a huge one for me. It gave me a sense of self-care and self-love as well as someone that would listen to everything I had to say without interrupting or making me feel like I was being absurd for feeling what I was feeling. Being vulnerable and speaking out gave me a feeling of empowerment and I walked out feeling a little stronger after every session.
  1. My relationship was never an abusive one. I never encountered verbal or physical abuse with my partner, but not being naive, I know not all relationships are created equal. If you feel stuck in a relationship due to fear, and not just because you love them so, please seek help. Talk to someone you trust and if you don’t have someone available that you trust you can always call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). There is someone available 24/7 to help you and all calls are kept confidential as stated on their website https://www.thehotline.org/help/. I’m not an advocate for this organization nor a paid employee, but I wanted to throw this into the mix because as I stated before you deserve so much more.
  1. Prayer and meditation. This was the all-time most important thing I could have done to help with the pain of what I was going through. This is also what ultimately helped push me forward to end an unhealthy relationship with the person that I loved more than anyone else I had ever loved before. Every single morning I would get up, start a cup of coffee, let the dog out, grab my coffee, climb back into bed with my bible and read daily scripture. I would read, highlight, and listen to what God wanted me to see and understand in the daily lesson. Once I completed my bible study and cup of coffee, I’d head to the living room to get situated with my legs crossed on my cushion and meditate for about 20 minutes. Simply breathing, focusing on my breath, and allowing my thoughts to go wherever I felt God was leading them. After meditating, I would pray my daily prayers. Then I’d get up, shower, and start my day feeling like God had me. This is still my morning routine and it still gives me the strength I need to face whatever the day sends my way. 

These are only a few ideas to get you started. The main idea is to do what you have to do to move your focus off of them and back on to you. Real love shouldn’t break you or make you feel worthless and undeserving. Real love will lift you, water and nurture you so you can grow, shine bright and beam. Real love should bring you peace and happiness more often than not. Most importantly, in real love, you will both give and take, it will not be just you giving. Let go of what’s not meant to be and see what adventure awaits you. It may not lead to love, but it should lead you to a much happier destination, a place where you matter as much as you’ve made them matter. Focus on you and love yourself first and foremost. 

A Walk on the Trail

Sweet little wren sing your song from atop the branches of the trees.

Beautiful butterflies flutter along side me and land softly upon the flowers’ petals.

Life is but a dance and song a moment of magic and mystery.

Flow beautiful creek over the rocks to the mouth of the Cahaba. Rushing by as though in a race against time.

What’s your hurry? The Cahaba will be there tomorrow.

Peace, Dignity and Grace

I live a life of fear and worry. “What if’s” consume every passing thought that makes its way through my mind. Thus, making my life static – noise – a violent, thrusting, convulsive mind controls my being. In its warped attempt to better and purify myself and those I love – it torments me from every angle imaginable. A delusional freak inhabits my thoughts and actively steals my peace, my joy, my calm.

This noise inherits my brain taking up residency and staking a claim to the pictures that it flashes uncontrollably across my mind like the freak inside has yelled out, “52 card pick up!” and thoughts randomly and chaotically fly into the air, mixed up, only to fall into an unorganized, agonizing and brutal mess. I am left tormented by the images, by the reckless thoughts, the freak inside has unleashed.

A once pristine beautifully blank canvas awaiting an artists’ hand to paint an exquisite masterpiece of everything good and wholesome; now, covered in splattered paint with no sense or reason. Too messy to even consider it a beautiful abstract. No edge left visible of its once youthful nude appearance; but now blanketed and splattered – layer after layer after layer – of raw unsolicited meaningless emotion.

There is no escaping the scene, no driving by without having to stop and stare at the havoc that is the wreck of my mind. A puzzle with pieces cut to never fit, a misfit, a chaotic material that forces itself to consume precious empty space with its presence.

I’m a continuous copy and paste moving through the motions. Where did it all begin? Where does it all end? I can no longer live this way. I fear my health will rot away by the stress I’ve caused myself – and my relationships, that I have worried so deeply to keep safe and intact, will be forced to wilt away.

This blog is my journal and vow to kill the internal stain that has worked against me for far to long, threatening my very life, so I can begin living a life of peace, dignity and grace.